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Hurst , TX

Merry Christmas, craig_o Style.

If you're ready to jump off a bridge this holiday season, don't. Yes, it's stressful, but I think it's good to step back and appreciate the spirit of peace, fellowship, and goodwill inherent in Christmas and the holidays. I also think humor is the single best medicine for nearly anything (take that, marijuana!), and I'm happy to give you a couple things to laugh at. Hopefully.

If you didn't catch my review of the worst Christmas songs ever a couple years back, it's worth a read. Here ya go:


I don't know how anyone who works in retail is still alive right now. Starting right around November 1, everywhere from Wal-Mart to CVS to every single solitary department store in the country in blaring a titanic unmitigated Christmas Crapstravaganza in an attempt to solicit people to... I really don't know what. Plunge headlong into drug addiction, perhaps. It baffles me to this day why the daily obituaries aren't a minimum of eight inches thick per day of the ramrodded Christmas "season." As I venture into a list of the worst tinsel-laden refuse, pull up a chair, pour yourself a stiff drink and maybe even load up the .357 with some nice, monitor-killing hollow-points - we can't, after all, put a price tag on catharsis.

#10: Merely Bad, "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas."

Every version of this song I've ever heard sounds like a drunken slur through a $5 Radio Shack microphone (and then pumped out the grocery store PA system), which might explain the invitations to "have a cup of cheer."

#9: Very Bad, "Santa Baby."

Madonna is infamous for ruining this song, although that implies it was good in the first place. Marilyn Monroe, who is on my virtually endless list of Hollywood celebrities that are not supposed to sing, is most commonly associated with the tune. Give me a yacht, a convertible, a duplex, and a ring, the song implores shamelessly, and with the kind of slutty undertone that would make Paul Harvey sound like a brazen harlot if he even read the lyrics aloud. Is anyone surprised? Monroe turned "Happy Birthday" into a hormone tsunami, and it's clear she didn't stop there.

#8: Awful, "Here Comes Santa Claus."

Believe it or believe it, but Hitler's blitzkrieg ran on methamphetamine. Yes, I know it's hard to believe that the paranoid psychopathic murdering monster we all know and despise would load his army up on stims just to keep it moving, but it's true. I think the overall effect has been recreated by "Here Comes Santa Claus." Undoubtedly glassy-eyed and, well, itchy, the singers repeat themselves endlessly as if peeking under a sheet-covered window to check anxiously for the police (or Santa). Elvis performed this once and sounded like he was capering around on one wooden leg.

#7: Terrible, "Jingle Bells."

Of course it made the cut! This song is so overplayed that it makes Chuck Norris jokes a breath of fresh air. It wouldn't be all THAT bad if not its relentless appearance at Christmas recitals, concerts, plays, church events, television, radio, film, carolers and ring tones. Also, the Batman version sucks.

#6: Horrible, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

See above, minus the Batman part.

#5: Physically Painful, "Frosty the Snowman."

I'm really hating on the classics, aren't I? If you can't count overplayability as badness, then this blog wouldn't exist because they're all overplayed for upwards three months. Frosty goes the extra mile by having a high propensity to getting stuck in your head, and nothing will get him out. If science announced that "Frosty the Snowman" was not a song at all but an earwig, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

#4: Rancid Bologna, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa"

The lesson for children? "Your mother is a whore."

#3: Cesspool of Sewage, "Little Drummer Boy."

Right at #3 is when I start getting angry at my ears for remaining on the side of my head. If they were so damn great, they'd have packed up and left me and saved both of us. "Little Drummer Boy" is jaw-clechingly hideous. When the song came to the attention of then-living evil tyrant Saddam Hussein, he paled in horror and declined to ever use it.

#2: Barbaric, "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

Why is this song still around? Why? Who is the one person in the world who keeps this song playing, and where does he or she live? There are about 300 million people in the country looking for this person, and it isn't to say "Thanks a bundle for ruining my life with this abomination."

#1: Pure Evil, "Feliz Navidad."

There are some things much worse than being mauled by a lion, and "Feliz Navidad" is absolutely one of them.


And, of course this is a classic.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

In all seriousness, we Americans are fortunate to live in the single most free and prosperous country to ever grace human history. Good lord do we have our problems, but hey... feel warm and fuzzy. It's something to think about if you care to participate in the charitable side of the holiday season, yes?

So Happy frickin' whatever it is you celebrate, and have fun out there.


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