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We've all seen a cartoon, or an episode of Gilligan's Island, or some random piece of folk art (typically sandwiched between the unnecessarily ubiquitous porcelain chicken figurines you'll all but trip over in any antiques store) that showcases the One Man Band.

What is the OMB (One Man Band)? Picture, if you will, a desperate street performer with a bass drum attached to his back, a harmonica held by wires to his lips, an accordion between his knees and perhaps cymbals on his feet for a little zest. Now imagine this street performer capering around in such a way that every movement is somehow coordinated and musical. That's the OMB.

See, the real beauty of the OMB is flexibility; there's no rule that says you have to stick with a monumentally ho-hum bass drum/harmonica/accordion/feet cymbals routine while you're out there flailing around in the heat, essentially whoring yourself for pity money (not entirely unlike Ashlee Simpson). Believe me, I've spent a lot of time reading and re-reading an absolutely nonexistent yet remarkably comprehensive tome The One Man Band and Other Breathtakingly Dead End Careers without finding the slightest shred of evidence suggesting I should refrain from stapling tambourines to my knuckles or surgically attaching a pair of trained barking seals to my collarbone. The possibilities are as endless as my total lack of self-respect!

I can't help but think that someone who can somehow translate the controlled crash that is a OMB performance into a musical stage show is the most bizarre form of underachiever. It's as if an unusually skilled professional tight-rope walker decided to perform in space with feral cats stuffed into his rectal cavity; ok, that's certainly unique, but why would you ever do something that stupid to yourself?! Look, when you're trying to showcase your skill as a musician, do you need to set your hair on fire to complement your drum solo? No. No you do not. Much like the OMB, your self-inflicted pain will neither enhance your musical ability nor add anything to the proverbial "music stew." You'll be an oddity and you'll get some extra attention because of it, but in the end you're just another goddamn Steve-O.