Concerning this particular topic I'm almost at a loss for words, which anybody who knows me would admit is an extremely rare (perhaps blessed) occasion.

Where do I even start with Britney? I feel like somebody from the National Transportation Safety Board on the scene of an especially complicated commercial airline crash directly on top of sacred Native American burial grounds that also double as a federally protected nesting site for the endangered Condor; there's just so many directions I desperately want to go at once.

I don't have the patience to go into her initial biography, so I'll just quote Wikipedia directly: Britney Jean Spears (born 2 December 1981) is an American artist and entertainer. Born in McComb, Mississippi and raised in Kentwood, Louisiana, Spears first appeared on national television as a contestant on the Star Search program in 1992 and went on to star on the television series The New Mickey Mouse Club from 1993–1994. After a brief membership with the pop musical group Innosense, Spears signed a recording contract with Jive Records, releasing her debut album ...Baby One More Time in 1999 which debuted at number one on the Billboard 200. The success of the album propelled Spears into stardom, establishing her as a pop icon and "bona fide pop phenomenon", credited for influencing the revival of teen pop in the late 1990s.

As we all know things were looking very good for Ms. Spears. She was extremely good looking, she hadn't said anything monumentally retarded in front of any cameras (yet)... in fact, can you actually believe that at one point in time there was strong support due to and even passionate debate over her virginity?! Yes, our Britney was almost universally considered a wholesome role model less than a decade ago. The belief was so strong and apparently so alluring that in 2000 somebody actually offered Britney somewhere in the neighborhood of $9 million (7.5 million British Pounds) in exchange for her long gone though commonly accepted virginal...ah... self. Now let's all have a good chuckle over that trip down memory lane.

Alas, it was just too good to be true. It was learned that Britney wasn't actually as pure and innocent as she liked to portray (and get fabulously rich largely due to). It wouldn't have been a big deal if she wasn't cashing in due to a complete lie, but she was so it was. In fact, her relationship with Justin Timberlake had been amorous from the start, a shock mostly because everyone had assumed he was gay (I'm still not convinced).

The relationship with Justin ended in 2002, and it's safe to say things took a turn for the worse thereafter. At the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards, Britney took a large metaphoric dump all over the vestiges of a clean image by making out with Madonna in what can only be accurately described as a televised moment "about as good as Janet Jackson and (is anyone surprised?) Justin Timberlake's Nipplegate catastrophe."

Between 2004 and 2007 Britney went through two marriages (one of which lasted 55 hours, the other to a backup dancer she dated for almost 4 seconds) and managed to produce two children, the creation of which raises extremely valid theological questions. Then came increasing amounts of drugs, booze, not even half-assed visits to rehab, head shaving and remarkably public custody battles. Her 2007 performance at the MTV Video Music Awards was completely uninspired and some say "jiggly."

All of that (and there's a lot more) aside, I have some pretty damning evidence I'm going to close out with. The comeback for Britney - this is the universally accepted comeback moment for Britney Spears, ok? - is her upcoming role in Quentin Tarantino's new movie as a killer lesbian stripper.

I have nothing more to add. Except this.